After my article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head” the question was raised: How do you be with your chosen woman’s feelings when you obviously notice another woman?
My advice is to be really with your woman when you’re with her. Give her your 100% when you’re together. Let her know how important she is to you. Find out her “love language” (book by Gary Chapman) and give affection in her preferred way.
More than anything else your woman wants your presence most of all. When my head is turned momentarily my woman is secure in knowing that I am deeply in love with her and my appreciation of another’s beauty will not affect my want and desire for her. She is secure in knowing that she is the lasting object of my affection.
She knows the internal process that happens with me at those moments because I have shared that with her. (See my article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head.) She feels the renewal and the life that I bring to her because I am alive and optimistic and that she is my chosen one. She has seen my integrity in action time and again. She gets that she is my clear choice.
We also re-orient to our love often (through words, affectionate touch and by connecting in a meaningful way at transitions). We try to start every day with some form of connecting in love. We are honest with the truth in our bodies. What I mean is that when I’m aroused my lover knows and when I am feeling conservative with my energy I’ll communicate that to her, too.
Guess what? Your phone presence has a direct effect on the frequency and passion in your intimate relationship. While not necessarily thinking ahead to a sexual reward we’re building or diminishing a love connection with each interaction. Foreplay is a constant, rather than an event and one of the main things that a woman wants most from her man is presence. Without going into reasons why it matters, let’s just look at how we can have gratifying telephone interactions.
When my woman phones me I assume a desire for reassurance is built-in to any request for information. Whether consciously or not, she wants to feel that love is alive between us. She knows that I know it’s her who’s ringing my phone so how I answer sets an immediate tone.
I know (because I asked) whether she wants to hear a term of endearment or her name when I answer the phone. A conscious breath just before I pick up helps me transition my attention to her. If it isn’t a good time for me to talk on the phone we’re both better off if I pick up and let her know that, at this moment, I don’t have the space for an involved talk, but I’m glad to hear her voice and can arrange a time to talk later. If I have a pressing issue or if something else requires my steady focus it’s better if I let the call go to voicemail.
The importance of directly speaking to feelings is critical over the phone since body language is absent. I may tell her how the sound of her voice affects me or that I’m thinking of how beautiful she must be at this moment. Those are just examples, the main thing is to be real with what’s alive for you in a kind way. If she is speaking about feelings then I will respond to what she just expressed before talking about anything else.
Whether talking “business” or about intimate subjects like desire and dreams we’ll do better when it’s clear to each of us which purpose this call is serving and it’s helpful to have formal transitions. Saying, for instance, “Honey, I’m enjoying our talk/connection AND I need to change the subject to address some other things. Do you need anything else before we change gears?”
Then there’s the purely erotic phone call (slow wink). The more you know what you like and can own it, the more “sexy” it can be. The more detailed the fantasy, the more interesting it will be to both of you. “Oh yeah baby, I’ll come home and you’ll do me” is much less captivating then “When I walk through the door I want you wearing a short skirt and no panties and you’re going to be in the laundry room pretending that you haven’t heard me enter the house. I’ll see the light on and find you there. I’ll say your name in a deep voice and …” You get the idea!
At the end of the conversation, I try to leave my beloved with a sense of what’s in my heart. Extra points get awarded for speaking directly to feelings and needs while offering acknowledgment and understanding.
Do you want you and your partner to be deeply happy with each other? Do you want your life to be guided and moved by love? A good way to start is to become an expert in loving your woman.
Not an expert on any woman or all women, but this woman that you are with. I suggest that you commit to a 10-day experiment in loving (without telling her). You will certainly find out more about your own relationship weaknesses and what truly inspires you about being with her.
When you’re not “getting” what you want from your partner, try giving her what she wants from you. First you must know what she wants. If she hasn’t told you lately, or if your memory is fuzzy, just ask. Also, think of the times that she was really happy with you and recall the way you were treating her then.
My general guidelines:
Presence; find your center and give her your quality attention.
Connection; make sure she feels love flowing between you.
Slow down; go slow enough to really see her. Marvel at the miracle in front of you. Pay attention to what moves her.
Kindness; be thoughtful toward her.
Touch her; physical affection gives her a direct transmission that you are here and you want her.
Assume her best intentions; stay positive with words and gestures.
Acknowledge her; compliment her, smile when you look at her.
Giving; figure out what you can do to make her life more wonderful in this moment and do it.
Remind yourself that you are NOT the most important person in the room – SHE IS!
Remember that telling the truth is not so much about telling someone your judgments about them, but it is about being really honest with yourself.
Give it ten days and you will be better off for having upped your game!
A wonderful way to connect with your partner when you first meet after an absence is a simple, energetically-clean hug. This can tune your energies by simply placing your bodies together with no obligation to do more. When you’re in closer energetic harmony, then it is easier to move to greater intimacy or you may just allow the loving touch to be a renewing contact.
The technique is as follows:
Take your partner into an embrace.
Each of you stands with your weight on your own feet.
Be in stillness.
You should each primarily feel of yourself (this is very important).
Give yourself time to relax into your own body. Feel at home in your own space.
Look for your own depth of feeling.
Tune in to who you are / your purpose in this moment.
Breathe slowly, deeply and easily.
Allow yourself to just be.
You will find that both of your energies and feelings shift by simply putting your bodies together in a centered and still way.
More thoughts on togetherness
Too often it is easy to energetically “over-give” or to get into your partner’s energetic space without realizing it. Remaining grounded in your togetherness provides the other person an invitation for authentic action. I must first be connected with myself in order to really be present for my partner. It is my steady presence that she desires most.
Share the space between you rather than occupying it all yourself. Over-merging reduces sexual charge. You don’t want to surround yourself with a thick emotional wall at one extreme, but “giving your all” while holding nothing back for yourself is also un-appealing. Neither state is attractive to an awakened woman. I give her the best of me when I rest in the center of my heart and allow a higher love to shine through me.
In Sacred Sexuality we talk about “conscious touch”. This is to put heightened attention at your hands and being more aware of the impact / effect of your touch. Touching should not be a “take”, but an intent of giving will feel more like a sweet gift by the receiver.
Releasing attachments is a helpful practice to honor each persons sovereign space. You may also simply gaze in each other’s eyes and hold the intentions with these words as you declare out loud:
Do you know how sometimes you hear or read something and you just get the truth of it instantly?
I’ve compiled a list of short statements below that help to define an ideal relationship to me. Some of them are original thoughts and some of them I just grocked right away.
Every once in a while I’ve come across a statement that describes how I want my intimate relationship to look and feel. These don’t need much examination or research, I just get it on a bone-deep level. Anyway, here they are:
Relationship Guiding Principles
Companionship without cling
Friendship without manipulation
Friendship over form
Love without conditions
Affectionate touch without obligation
Humor without sarcasm
Listening without judgment
Answers without shadow
Service without expectation
Support not suppression
Solutions instead of complaints
Acceptance without guilt or manipulation
Generosity of heart over attachment
I also find it helpful to speak these words silently in meditation as a way of orienting to unconditional love and acceptance:
I honor you
I bless you
I release you
Tony Robbins teaches that true honesty is not telling someone else what you think of them, but being honest with yourself about your own motivations. I also find the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono prayer incredibly useful to keep the focus on my own shortcomings and staying in empathy and compassion vs. trying to over-examine other people.
I review this list every once in a while and honestly critique my own behavior and motivations. I ask myself: 1 – Do I love this principle? 2 – Do I offer this?
In this spirit, I recommend a song by Alanis Morissette, “You Owe Me Nothing In Return”. She sings to a generosity of spirit and great love and of being whole unto oneself. She is one of my relationship heroines.
This is simply one way to navigate a “breakup”. I do not mean to imply this is the best method for everyone.
My intimate partner and I recently shifted into being non-sexual friends and allies. I honor truth and depth and openness and, knowing this, my woman came to me with her difficult truth. She told me about her journey calling her in way that did not resonate with being “pair-bonded” with me any longer. (I was dumped!)
Wow! Time to actively choose openness over closure… if possible. At the end of our discussion, she asked me what I wanted. All I needed to say had been said and I felt complete in the conversation. I told her that I wanted to have sex. She asked why. I told her that my heart was wide open and that I felt supercharged with energy. She suggested next week and I said that I would likely not feel this way next week.
So we created a closure lovemaking ritual, but my strong feelings of only minutes earlier evaporated. I felt emotionally numb. So we did what we know to do at those moments, which is to lie down together and breathe. We placed our bodies together in a way that aligned our energy (spooning) and breathed in sync. In this type of union personal energies attune (much like tuning forks).
Once we were in tune with each other the two-hour sacred sexuality ritual that evolved organically was deep, tender, wild and bittersweet. We gave of ourselves completely and with abandon. At the conclusion we felt whole, full and in love. And the truth remained that our paths were diverging.
From this night we were no longer in a sexual relationship and there were more feelings and issues that arose as time went on. We processed most of this “stuff” with other people. Attempting to make your partner your therapist is a bad policy. It is also kindest to process issues dealing with another person with out-of-area friends.
After two weeks apart for reflection, we came together for an evening designated primarily as my time to speak everything that I wanted to say. This was the following:
1 – My appreciations to her
2 – What I want in my life
3 – What I’m willing to do to create my new life
4 – My apologies to her for my shortcomings
5 – Asking her to speak to how being with me has helped her
6 – What specific relationship loss are we each grieving?
7 – How I want to interact going forward
Then she spoke what she wished to say to me.
By maintaining our shared values of integrity and clarity, and in recognizing that our relationship has been characterized by mutual kindness and generosity, we allowed ourselves to transition beyond our previous dynamic while still emotionally supporting each other.
Longevity is not necessarily the best metric to judge the success of a relationship. My time with this woman was a beautiful love chapter in my life. We served each other well by recognizing that our intimacy togetherness had reached it’s zenith, and like artists on the trapeze, we let go to be open for the next blessing life will bring.