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Archive for the ‘men’s sexuality’ Category

After my article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head” the question was raised:  How do you be with your chosen woman’s feelings when you obviously notice another woman?

My advice is to be really with your woman when you’re with her. Give her your 100% when you’re together. Let her know how important she is to you. Find out her “love language” (book by Gary Chapman) and give affection in her preferred way.

More than anything else your woman wants your presence most of all. When my head is turned momentarily my woman is secure in knowing that I am deeply in love with her and my appreciation of another’s beauty will not affect my want and desire for her. She is secure in knowing that she is the lasting object of my affection.

She knows the internal process that happens with me at those moments because I have shared that with her. (See my article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head.) She feels the renewal and the life that I bring to her because I am alive and optimistic and that she is my chosen one. She has seen my integrity in action time and again. She gets that she is my clear choice.

We also re-orient to our love often (through words, affectionate touch and by connecting in a meaningful way at transitions). We try to start every day with some form of connecting in love. We are honest with the truth in our bodies. What I mean is that when I’m aroused my lover knows and when I am feeling conservative with my energy I’ll communicate that to her, too.

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Do you want you and your partner to be deeply happy with each other? Do you want your life to be guided and moved by love? A good way to start is to become an expert in loving your woman.

Not an expert on any woman or all women, but this woman that you are with. I suggest that you commit to a 10-day experiment in loving (without telling her). You will certainly find out more about your own relationship weaknesses and what truly inspires you about being with her.

When you’re not “getting” what you want from your partner, try giving her what she wants from you. First you must know what she wants. If she hasn’t told you lately, or if your memory is fuzzy, just ask. Also, think of the times that she was really happy with you and recall the way you were treating her then.

My general guidelines:

Presence; find your center and give her your quality attention.

Connection; make sure she feels love flowing between you.

Slow down; go slow enough to really see her. Marvel at the miracle in front of you. Pay attention to what moves her.

Kindness; be thoughtful toward her.

Touch her; physical affection gives her a direct transmission that you are here and you want her.

Assume her best intentions; stay positive with words and gestures.

Acknowledge her; compliment her, smile when you look at her.

Giving; figure out what you can do to make her life more wonderful in this moment and do it.

Remind yourself that you are NOT the most important person in the room – SHE IS!

Remember that telling the truth is not so much about telling someone your judgments about them, but it is about being really honest with yourself.

Give it ten days and you will be better off for having upped your game!

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Don’t rush and don’t over-clench, slightly change position to find “home.” Be intentional and pure of purpose. Stay aware of your breath and feel how all comes from your center. When you let go, let it all go cleanly and without regret. Are these the words of a tantra instructor or yoga teacher? They could be, but they’re also instructions on how to draw, hold and then release an arrow from a bow.

I was reflecting on my love of archery today. It occurred to me that there is so much development involved in micro-skills and focused attention to each point of action. First, there is choosing or fashioning the equipment (which I have often made myself.) Secondly, the archer must pay attention to his/her attitude and stance. Then, there is nocking an arrow and drawing back the bow to the shooting position and aiming for the target. All effort to this point is negated if the actual release is not instant and smooth.

The obvious metaphor is to cleanly release our effort and development of mastery in any area of life. We do our best and then practice a healthy detachment from the results. A specific example is how a good parent devotes everything within his/her power to raising a child. We keep them fed, housed, clothed and loved and connected to their spirit and community and with awareness of their values. We incubate them in a spirit of love and community and then we let them live their own life. This doesn’t have to be “sink or swim,” but we cannot live their journey for them.

Another example is emotional tension in an intimate relationship. If each person can get in touch with their values and communicate them with clarity and respect there is a good basis for restoring harmony. But, holding back honesty or maintaining even a small resentment stands in the way of fully returning to love.

A botched archery release could be from improper grip or poor arm position. It could happen from letting out the fingers too slowly or by clenching the bow too tightly with the opposite hand. My action offerings with my chosen intimate partner and with all of life are done with a spirit of “I’m giving my best self as I best know how at this time and I want the best and highest for all AND no debt is created.”

My “job” is to connect to my center and develop habits and abilities that serve the best version of me and look for ways to serve life.

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man in white dress shirt and black blazer standing outside building

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When a man notices a beautiful woman he has an immediate choice of how he directs the energy in his body. He can feel desire in his mind or in his genitals. He can make a mental judgment of her looks or how she puts her energy out to the world. He can go through a quick mental exercise of assessing the likelihood of interacting with her in various ways and his “chances” with her. He can perhaps judge himself for his thoughts.

A man who goes around feeling lust for random women will be constantly reinforced by what he does not have. I suggest feeling each passing beauty as just that. Allow yourself to be blessed and let her go. Depending on the proximity and the level of desire a woman will sense the man’s attention. She will likely feel it either as an undesirable “taking” or something else depending on the quality of the man’s intent.

Consider feeling deeper into your body when a woman turns your head and transmute that feeling into a non-personal appreciation for her as a creation of Life. Breathe the feeling in your body at the sight of her form as if it were elixir, as would a desert traveler coming across a clear spring of water.

The feeling that is alive for you in the moment can be circulated in your body energetically to nourish your cells. If you feel energy in your genitals first, then breathe in the aliveness and optimism you feel and collect it with the breath at your heart. Be flooded with gratitude for your life and for the beauty of women in general. This isn’t something to think so much as a sensation and emotion. Allow the feeling to glow outward from your heart as if it were a warm, conscious light. Let your skin tingle as your body fills with optimism and light.

I recommend not letting yourself imagine taking from her in any way. Just take your own feeling as confirmation that you are alive and well and let it feed you as a moment of appreciation for the beauty of our world. You may develop a little message to inwardly say to yourself every time this occurs, such as: “I would protect and serve her were she ever in danger” or “This world is blessed”.

And then let her go. Really let her go! Do not recall her to your thoughts later. Let the moment pass so you can be present for the moment you have now. What you can keep is a rejuvenation of your spirit (that’s not connected to another person). Just let your own life force be awakened a little more.

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