This is simply one way to navigate a “breakup”. I do not mean to imply this is the best method for everyone.
My intimate partner and I recently shifted into being non-sexual friends and allies. I honor truth and depth and openness and, knowing this, my woman came to me with her difficult truth. She told me about her journey calling her in way that did not resonate with being “pair-bonded” with me any longer. (I was dumped!)
Wow! Time to actively choose openness over closure… if possible. At the end of our discussion, she asked me what I wanted. All I needed to say had been said and I felt complete in the conversation. I told her that I wanted to have sex. She asked why. I told her that my heart was wide open and that I felt supercharged with energy. She suggested next week and I said that I would likely not feel this way next week.
So we created a closure lovemaking ritual, but my strong feelings of only minutes earlier evaporated. I felt emotionally numb. So we did what we know to do at those moments, which is to lie down together and breathe. We placed our bodies together in a way that aligned our energy (spooning) and breathed in sync. In this type of union personal energies attune (much like tuning forks).
Once we were in tune with each other the two-hour sacred sexuality ritual that evolved organically was deep, tender, wild and bittersweet. We gave of ourselves completely and with abandon. At the conclusion we felt whole, full and in love. And the truth remained that our paths were diverging.
From this night we were no longer in a sexual relationship and there were more feelings and issues that arose as time went on. We processed most of this “stuff” with other people. Attempting to make your partner your therapist is a bad policy. It is also kindest to process issues dealing with another person with out-of-area friends.
After two weeks apart for reflection, we came together for an evening designated primarily as my time to speak everything that I wanted to say. This was the following:
1 – My appreciations to her
2 – What I want in my life
3 – What I’m willing to do to create my new life
4 – My apologies to her for my shortcomings
5 – Asking her to speak to how being with me has helped her
6 – What specific relationship loss are we each grieving?
7 – How I want to interact going forward
Then she spoke what she wished to say to me.
By maintaining our shared values of integrity and clarity, and in recognizing that our relationship has been characterized by mutual kindness and generosity, we allowed ourselves to transition beyond our previous dynamic while still emotionally supporting each other.
Longevity is not necessarily the best metric to judge the success of a relationship. My time with this woman was a beautiful love chapter in my life. We served each other well by recognizing that our intimacy togetherness had reached it’s zenith, and like artists on the trapeze, we let go to be open for the next blessing life will bring.