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Archive for the ‘love and sex’ Category

After my article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head” the question was raised:  How do you be with your chosen woman’s feelings when you obviously notice another woman?

My advice is to be really with your woman when you’re with her. Give her your 100% when you’re together. Let her know how important she is to you. Find out her “love language” (book by Gary Chapman) and give affection in her preferred way.

More than anything else your woman wants your presence most of all. When my head is turned momentarily my woman is secure in knowing that I am deeply in love with her and my appreciation of another’s beauty will not affect my want and desire for her. She is secure in knowing that she is the lasting object of my affection.

She knows the internal process that happens with me at those moments because I have shared that with her. (See my article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head.) She feels the renewal and the life that I bring to her because I am alive and optimistic and that she is my chosen one. She has seen my integrity in action time and again. She gets that she is my clear choice.

We also re-orient to our love often (through words, affectionate touch and by connecting in a meaningful way at transitions). We try to start every day with some form of connecting in love. We are honest with the truth in our bodies. What I mean is that when I’m aroused my lover knows and when I am feeling conservative with my energy I’ll communicate that to her, too.

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Do you want you and your partner to be deeply happy with each other? Do you want your life to be guided and moved by love? A good way to start is to become an expert in loving your woman.

Not an expert on any woman or all women, but this woman that you are with. I suggest that you commit to a 10-day experiment in loving (without telling her). You will certainly find out more about your own relationship weaknesses and what truly inspires you about being with her.

When you’re not “getting” what you want from your partner, try giving her what she wants from you. First you must know what she wants. If she hasn’t told you lately, or if your memory is fuzzy, just ask. Also, think of the times that she was really happy with you and recall the way you were treating her then.

My general guidelines:

Presence; find your center and give her your quality attention.

Connection; make sure she feels love flowing between you.

Slow down; go slow enough to really see her. Marvel at the miracle in front of you. Pay attention to what moves her.

Kindness; be thoughtful toward her.

Touch her; physical affection gives her a direct transmission that you are here and you want her.

Assume her best intentions; stay positive with words and gestures.

Acknowledge her; compliment her, smile when you look at her.

Giving; figure out what you can do to make her life more wonderful in this moment and do it.

Remind yourself that you are NOT the most important person in the room – SHE IS!

Remember that telling the truth is not so much about telling someone your judgments about them, but it is about being really honest with yourself.

Give it ten days and you will be better off for having upped your game!

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How To Tell if Your Man Loves You? Recently, I was asked this question and I quickly thought of a couple examples. Here’s a longer answer after giving the question more thought.

The average woman is much more sensitive to energy than the average man and she can depend on her intuition to guide her first. A woman who’s connected to her core wisdom and is not afraid of her feelings will be even more tuned to energy.

A good indication is if he answers in the affirmative when you ask him if he loves you and is able to give several specifics about what he adores in you. (Hopefully, he includes internal as well as external beauty in his description.)

Another example is if he thinks of you while you’re apart and shows it by making plans or effort for when you are together. For example, he sends texts that are more than five words or he buys flowers or makes event reservations.

He makes you a priority by making time in his life for you. He actively listens to you and responds kindly and adjusts his behavior (within reason) to address issues that cause you to be uncomfortable.

He doesn’t hurt you on purpose. And when he does hurt you, he apologizes appropriately and makes amends if needed and he doesn’t repeat the hurtful action. (Unless hurting you as part of a kink scene is how you each play, which can be deep and profoundly bonding if you are both in agreement.)

He puts your needs first. He tries to understand you before sharing his perspective. Is he more about getting or about giving in relationship in general? Is he inspired to give the best of himself by being with you?

His actions toward you are consistent with his promises. He follows through so that his actions are congruent with his words and his stated values.

Does he make an effort to show affection in the way that you ask for it? (You have asked, right?) In other words, if he mainly gives you gifts as his demonstration of love, but doesn’t offer praise even though you have told him that praise is what helps you feel appreciated and held in love, then he is not hearing you or adjusting the way he gives to you.

What occurs in your world so that your brain sends itself the message “I’m loved”? According to Gary Chapman, in his book Love Languages, we all have a preference in how we want to receive love. They are grouped into the categories of; Praise, Touch, Quality Time, Gifts and Acts of Service. Decide which is most important to you and tell your partner. In Compassionate Communication we encourage you to turn complaints into requests so the other person can better know how to help you find your ease.

Another good measure is if you can feel his heart. And, can you feel his love penetrating you? What energy emanates from his cock? How does he hold you in lovemaking and energetically in general? You see, you knew all along!

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A wonderful way to connect with your partner when you first meet after an absence is a simple, energetically-clean hug. This can tune your energies by simply placing your bodies together with no obligation to do more. When you’re in closer energetic harmony, then it is easier to move to greater intimacy or you may just allow the loving touch to be a renewing contact.

The technique is as follows:

Take your partner into an embrace.

Each of you stands with your weight on your own feet.

Be in stillness.

You should each primarily feel of yourself (this is very important).

Give yourself time to relax into your own body. Feel at home in your own space.

Look for your own depth of feeling.

Tune in to who you are / your purpose in this moment.

Breathe slowly, deeply and easily.

Allow yourself to just be.

You will find that both of your energies and feelings shift by simply putting your bodies together in a centered and still way.

More thoughts on togetherness

Too often it is easy to energetically “over-give” or to get into your partner’s energetic space without realizing it. Remaining grounded in your togetherness provides the other person an invitation for authentic action. I must first be connected with myself in order to really be present for my partner. It is my steady presence that she desires most.

Share the space between you rather than occupying it all yourself. Over-merging reduces sexual charge. You don’t want to surround yourself with a thick emotional wall at one extreme, but “giving your all” while holding nothing back for yourself is also un-appealing. Neither state is attractive to an awakened woman. I give her the best of me when I rest in the center of my heart and allow a higher love to shine through me.

In Sacred Sexuality we talk about “conscious touch”. This is to put heightened attention at your hands and being more aware of the impact / effect of your touch. Touching should not be a “take”, but an intent of giving will feel more like a sweet gift by the receiver.

Releasing attachments is a helpful practice to honor each persons sovereign space. You may also simply gaze in each other’s eyes and hold the intentions with these words as you declare out loud:

I honor you

I bless you

I release you

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Do you know how sometimes you hear or read something and you just get the truth of it instantly?

I’ve compiled a list of short statements below that help to define an ideal relationship to me. Some of them are original thoughts and some of them I just grocked right away.

Every once in a while I’ve come across a statement that describes how I want my intimate relationship to look and feel. These don’t need much examination or research, I just get it on a bone-deep level. Anyway, here they are:

Relationship Guiding Principles

Companionship without cling

Friendship without manipulation

Friendship over form

Love without conditions

Affectionate touch without obligation

Humor without sarcasm

Listening without judgment

Answers without shadow

Service without expectation

Support not suppression

Solutions instead of complaints

Acceptance without guilt or manipulation

Generosity of heart over attachment

I also find it helpful to speak these words silently in meditation as a way of orienting to unconditional love and acceptance:

I honor you

I bless you

   I release you

Tony Robbins teaches that true honesty is not telling someone else what you think of them, but being honest with yourself about your own motivations. I also find the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono prayer incredibly useful to keep the focus on my own shortcomings and staying in empathy and compassion vs. trying to over-examine other people.

I review this list every once in a while and honestly critique my own behavior and motivations. I ask myself: 1 – Do I love this principle?  2 – Do I offer this?

In this spirit, I recommend a song by Alanis Morissette, “You Owe Me Nothing In Return”. She sings to a generosity of spirit and great love and of being whole unto oneself. She is one of my relationship heroines.

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This is simply one way to navigate a “breakup”. I do not mean to imply this is the best method for everyone.

My intimate partner and I recently shifted into being non-sexual friends and allies. I honor truth and depth and openness and, knowing this, my woman came to me with her difficult truth. She told me about her journey calling her in way that did not resonate with being “pair-bonded” with me any longer. (I was dumped!)

Wow! Time to actively choose openness over closure… if possible. At the end of our discussion, she asked me what I wanted. All I needed to say had been said and I felt complete in the conversation. I told her that I wanted to have sex. She asked why. I told her that my heart was wide open and that I felt supercharged with energy. She suggested next week and I said that I would likely not feel this way next week.

So we created a closure lovemaking ritual, but my strong feelings of only minutes earlier evaporated. I felt emotionally numb. So we did what we know to do at those moments, which is to lie down together and breathe. We placed our bodies together in a way that aligned our energy (spooning) and breathed in sync. In this type of union personal energies attune (much like tuning forks).

Once we were in tune with each other the two-hour sacred sexuality ritual that evolved organically was deep, tender, wild and bittersweet. We gave of ourselves completely and with abandon. At the conclusion we felt whole, full and in love. And the truth remained that our paths were diverging.

From this night we were no longer in a sexual relationship and there were more feelings and issues that arose as time went on. We processed most of this “stuff” with other people. Attempting to make your partner your therapist is a bad policy. It is also kindest to process issues dealing with another person with out-of-area friends.

After two weeks apart for reflection, we came together for an evening designated primarily as my time to speak everything that I wanted to say. This was the following:

1 – My appreciations to her

2 – What I want in my life

3 – What I’m willing to do to create my new life

4 – My apologies to her for my shortcomings

5 – Asking her to speak to how being with me has helped her

6 – What specific relationship loss are we each grieving?

7 – How I want to interact going forward

Then she spoke what she wished to say to me.

By maintaining our shared values of integrity and clarity, and in recognizing that our relationship has been characterized by mutual kindness and generosity, we allowed ourselves to transition beyond our previous dynamic while still emotionally supporting each other.

Longevity is not necessarily the best metric to judge the success of a relationship. My time with this woman was a beautiful love chapter in my life. We served each other well by recognizing that our intimacy togetherness had reached it’s zenith, and like artists on the trapeze, we let go to be open for the next blessing life will bring.

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