After my article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head” the question was raised: How do you be with your chosen woman’s feelings when you obviously notice another woman?
My advice is to be really with your woman when you’re with her. Give her your 100% when you’re together. Let her know how important she is to you. Find out her “love language” (book by Gary Chapman) and give affection in her preferred way.
More than anything else your woman wants your presence most of all. When my head is turned momentarily my woman is secure in knowing that I am deeply in love with her and my appreciation of another’s beauty will not affect my want and desire for her. She is secure in knowing that she is the lasting object of my affection.
She knows the internal process that happens with me at those moments because I have shared that with her. (See my article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head.) She feels the renewal and the life that I bring to her because I am alive and optimistic and that she is my chosen one. She has seen my integrity in action time and again. She gets that she is my clear choice.
We also re-orient to our love often (through words, affectionate touch and by connecting in a meaningful way at transitions). We try to start every day with some form of connecting in love. We are honest with the truth in our bodies. What I mean is that when I’m aroused my lover knows and when I am feeling conservative with my energy I’ll communicate that to her, too.
I killed a deer once. I do not treat or reflect on this act lightly. In fact, it was one of the most profound moments in my life. We all “take” life in order to live. A life of some kind was taken on our behalf every time we eat food. I believe our role is not to feel ashamed or to shrink from living, but to feel gratitude and to add meaning to existence. Our gift back to the lives that were given on our behalf is to contribute / add value to the world.
I shard this concept to help illustrate how I feel about my woman. She is giving me her most precious possession – her life. She could be doing any number of activities with any number of people, yet she has chosen to spend her time with me. She has chosen me to love. Time is not ever recovered later. Our youth (and every age) once spent, does not return. And we don’t know how much time we have. The top portion of the hourglass of life is hidden to sight.
In the Native American tradition (in which I’ve been deeply immersed) the hunter earnestly prays for the arrival of an animal that is willing to sacrifice it’s life in order for the hunter’s people to live. The hunter tries to be worthy and to offer respect to the slain animal’s spirit. This is done out of respect and so that other animals will view him and his future requests kindly. The native hunter is keenly aware that without the ongoing gifts of animals, his people would perish.
I feel an obligation when I eat food that my life be worthy of the land and beings that contributed their energy to me. Likewise, I want to live my life in such a way as to honor my woman’s great love, which is freely given. She is not a draftee, but has volunteered to serve as my companion. She gives me innumerable gifts of time, consideration and caring. I want my actions to honor her, and I want to respect the gifts I receive from her. I want her to feel valued by me.
For example, I communicate and demonstrate that I want her to feel heard and validated. She also deserves “good phone,” (good communication by phone) as much as she deserves good communication in any form. So when I call her, I give her my love, presence and attention. When I hold and touch her, it is not to take from her, but rather to co-create a beautiful experience together. So I notice what’s important to her and I look for what lights her up. Sometimes I mis-read her and I adjust. Sometimes she is happily surprised.
I want to lighten her heart by being a good companion for her. At the end of her time on earth I want my woman to say to herself: “I did well by choosing to be with him.”
When a man notices a beautiful woman he has an immediate choice of how he directs the energy in his body. He can feel desire in his mind or in his genitals. He can make a mental judgment of her looks or how she puts her energy out to the world. He can go through a quick mental exercise of assessing the likelihood of interacting with her in various ways and his “chances” with her. He can perhaps judge himself for his thoughts.
A man who goes around feeling lust for random women will be constantly reinforced by what he does not have. I suggest feeling each passing beauty as just that. Allow yourself to be blessed and let her go. Depending on the proximity and the level of desire a woman will sense the man’s attention. She will likely feel it either as an undesirable “taking” or something else depending on the quality of the man’s intent.
Consider feeling deeper into your body when a woman turns your head and transmute that feeling into a non-personal appreciation for her as a creation of Life. Breathe the feeling in your body at the sight of her form as if it were elixir, as would a desert traveler coming across a clear spring of water.
The feeling that is alive for you in the moment can be circulated in your body energetically to nourish your cells. If you feel energy in your genitals first, then breathe in the aliveness and optimism you feel and collect it with the breath at your heart. Be flooded with gratitude for your life and for the beauty of women in general. This isn’t something to think so much as a sensation and emotion. Allow the feeling to glow outward from your heart as if it were a warm, conscious light. Let your skin tingle as your body fills with optimism and light.
I recommend not letting yourself imagine taking from her in any way. Just take your own feeling as confirmation that you are alive and well and let it feed you as a moment of appreciation for the beauty of our world. You may develop a little message to inwardly say to yourself every time this occurs, such as: “I would protect and serve her were she ever in danger” or “This world is blessed”.
And then let her go. Really let her go! Do not recall her to your thoughts later. Let the moment pass so you can be present for the moment you have now. What you can keep is a rejuvenation of your spirit (that’s not connected to another person). Just let your own life force be awakened a little more.
A wonderful way to connect with your partner when you first meet after an absence is a simple, energetically-clean hug. This can tune your energies by simply placing your bodies together with no obligation to do more. When you’re in closer energetic harmony, then it is easier to move to greater intimacy or you may just allow the loving touch to be a renewing contact.
The technique is as follows:
Take your partner into an embrace.
Each of you stands with your weight on your own feet.
Be in stillness.
You should each primarily feel of yourself (this is very important).
Give yourself time to relax into your own body. Feel at home in your own space.
Look for your own depth of feeling.
Tune in to who you are / your purpose in this moment.
Breathe slowly, deeply and easily.
Allow yourself to just be.
You will find that both of your energies and feelings shift by simply putting your bodies together in a centered and still way.
More thoughts on togetherness
Too often it is easy to energetically “over-give” or to get into your partner’s energetic space without realizing it. Remaining grounded in your togetherness provides the other person an invitation for authentic action. I must first be connected with myself in order to really be present for my partner. It is my steady presence that she desires most.
Share the space between you rather than occupying it all yourself. Over-merging reduces sexual charge. You don’t want to surround yourself with a thick emotional wall at one extreme, but “giving your all” while holding nothing back for yourself is also un-appealing. Neither state is attractive to an awakened woman. I give her the best of me when I rest in the center of my heart and allow a higher love to shine through me.
In Sacred Sexuality we talk about “conscious touch”. This is to put heightened attention at your hands and being more aware of the impact / effect of your touch. Touching should not be a “take”, but an intent of giving will feel more like a sweet gift by the receiver.
Releasing attachments is a helpful practice to honor each persons sovereign space. You may also simply gaze in each other’s eyes and hold the intentions with these words as you declare out loud:
This is simply one way to navigate a “breakup”. I do not mean to imply this is the best method for everyone.
My intimate partner and I recently shifted into being non-sexual friends and allies. I honor truth and depth and openness and, knowing this, my woman came to me with her difficult truth. She told me about her journey calling her in way that did not resonate with being “pair-bonded” with me any longer. (I was dumped!)
Wow! Time to actively choose openness over closure… if possible. At the end of our discussion, she asked me what I wanted. All I needed to say had been said and I felt complete in the conversation. I told her that I wanted to have sex. She asked why. I told her that my heart was wide open and that I felt supercharged with energy. She suggested next week and I said that I would likely not feel this way next week.
So we created a closure lovemaking ritual, but my strong feelings of only minutes earlier evaporated. I felt emotionally numb. So we did what we know to do at those moments, which is to lie down together and breathe. We placed our bodies together in a way that aligned our energy (spooning) and breathed in sync. In this type of union personal energies attune (much like tuning forks).
Once we were in tune with each other the two-hour sacred sexuality ritual that evolved organically was deep, tender, wild and bittersweet. We gave of ourselves completely and with abandon. At the conclusion we felt whole, full and in love. And the truth remained that our paths were diverging.
From this night we were no longer in a sexual relationship and there were more feelings and issues that arose as time went on. We processed most of this “stuff” with other people. Attempting to make your partner your therapist is a bad policy. It is also kindest to process issues dealing with another person with out-of-area friends.
After two weeks apart for reflection, we came together for an evening designated primarily as my time to speak everything that I wanted to say. This was the following:
1 – My appreciations to her
2 – What I want in my life
3 – What I’m willing to do to create my new life
4 – My apologies to her for my shortcomings
5 – Asking her to speak to how being with me has helped her
6 – What specific relationship loss are we each grieving?
7 – How I want to interact going forward
Then she spoke what she wished to say to me.
By maintaining our shared values of integrity and clarity, and in recognizing that our relationship has been characterized by mutual kindness and generosity, we allowed ourselves to transition beyond our previous dynamic while still emotionally supporting each other.
Longevity is not necessarily the best metric to judge the success of a relationship. My time with this woman was a beautiful love chapter in my life. We served each other well by recognizing that our intimacy togetherness had reached it’s zenith, and like artists on the trapeze, we let go to be open for the next blessing life will bring.