After my article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head” the question was raised: How do you be with your chosen woman’s feelings when you obviously notice another woman?
My advice is to be really with your woman when you’re with her. Give her your 100% when you’re together. Let her know how important she is to you. Find out her “love language” (book by Gary Chapman) and give affection in her preferred way.
More than anything else your woman wants your presence most of all. When my head is turned momentarily my woman is secure in knowing that I am deeply in love with her and my appreciation of another’s beauty will not affect my want and desire for her. She is secure in knowing that she is the lasting object of my affection.
She knows the internal process that happens with me at those moments because I have shared that with her. (See my article “When a Woman Turns a Man’s Head.) She feels the renewal and the life that I bring to her because I am alive and optimistic and that she is my chosen one. She has seen my integrity in action time and again. She gets that she is my clear choice.
We also re-orient to our love often (through words, affectionate touch and by connecting in a meaningful way at transitions). We try to start every day with some form of connecting in love. We are honest with the truth in our bodies. What I mean is that when I’m aroused my lover knows and when I am feeling conservative with my energy I’ll communicate that to her, too.
I killed a deer once. I do not treat or reflect on this act lightly. In fact, it was one of the most profound moments in my life. We all “take” life in order to live. A life of some kind was taken on our behalf every time we eat food. I believe our role is not to feel ashamed or to shrink from living, but to feel gratitude and to add meaning to existence. Our gift back to the lives that were given on our behalf is to contribute / add value to the world.
I shard this concept to help illustrate how I feel about my woman. She is giving me her most precious possession – her life. She could be doing any number of activities with any number of people, yet she has chosen to spend her time with me. She has chosen me to love. Time is not ever recovered later. Our youth (and every age) once spent, does not return. And we don’t know how much time we have. The top portion of the hourglass of life is hidden to sight.
In the Native American tradition (in which I’ve been deeply immersed) the hunter earnestly prays for the arrival of an animal that is willing to sacrifice it’s life in order for the hunter’s people to live. The hunter tries to be worthy and to offer respect to the slain animal’s spirit. This is done out of respect and so that other animals will view him and his future requests kindly. The native hunter is keenly aware that without the ongoing gifts of animals, his people would perish.
I feel an obligation when I eat food that my life be worthy of the land and beings that contributed their energy to me. Likewise, I want to live my life in such a way as to honor my woman’s great love, which is freely given. She is not a draftee, but has volunteered to serve as my companion. She gives me innumerable gifts of time, consideration and caring. I want my actions to honor her, and I want to respect the gifts I receive from her. I want her to feel valued by me.
For example, I communicate and demonstrate that I want her to feel heard and validated. She also deserves “good phone,” (good communication by phone) as much as she deserves good communication in any form. So when I call her, I give her my love, presence and attention. When I hold and touch her, it is not to take from her, but rather to co-create a beautiful experience together. So I notice what’s important to her and I look for what lights her up. Sometimes I mis-read her and I adjust. Sometimes she is happily surprised.
I want to lighten her heart by being a good companion for her. At the end of her time on earth I want my woman to say to herself: “I did well by choosing to be with him.”
Do you want you and your partner to be deeply happy with each other? Do you want your life to be guided and moved by love? A good way to start is to become an expert in loving your woman.
Not an expert on any woman or all women, but this woman that you are with. I suggest that you commit to a 10-day experiment in loving (without telling her). You will certainly find out more about your own relationship weaknesses and what truly inspires you about being with her.
When you’re not “getting” what you want from your partner, try giving her what she wants from you. First you must know what she wants. If she hasn’t told you lately, or if your memory is fuzzy, just ask. Also, think of the times that she was really happy with you and recall the way you were treating her then.
My general guidelines:
Presence; find your center and give her your quality attention.
Connection; make sure she feels love flowing between you.
Slow down; go slow enough to really see her. Marvel at the miracle in front of you. Pay attention to what moves her.
Kindness; be thoughtful toward her.
Touch her; physical affection gives her a direct transmission that you are here and you want her.
Assume her best intentions; stay positive with words and gestures.
Acknowledge her; compliment her, smile when you look at her.
Giving; figure out what you can do to make her life more wonderful in this moment and do it.
Remind yourself that you are NOT the most important person in the room – SHE IS!
Remember that telling the truth is not so much about telling someone your judgments about them, but it is about being really honest with yourself.
Give it ten days and you will be better off for having upped your game!
How To Tell if Your Man Loves You? Recently, I was asked this question and I quickly thought of a couple examples. Here’s a longer answer after giving the question more thought.
The average woman is much more sensitive to energy than the average man and she can depend on her intuition to guide her first. A woman who’s connected to her core wisdom and is not afraid of her feelings will be even more tuned to energy.
A good indication is if he answers in the affirmative when you ask him if he loves you and is able to give several specifics about what he adores in you. (Hopefully, he includes internal as well as external beauty in his description.)
Another example is if he thinks of you while you’re apart and shows it by making plans or effort for when you are together. For example, he sends texts that are more than five words or he buys flowers or makes event reservations.
He makes you a priority by making time in his life for you. He actively listens to you and responds kindly and adjusts his behavior (within reason) to address issues that cause you to be uncomfortable.
He doesn’t hurt you on purpose. And when he does hurt you, he apologizes appropriately and makes amends if needed and he doesn’t repeat the hurtful action. (Unless hurting you as part of a kink scene is how you each play, which can be deep and profoundly bonding if you are both in agreement.)
He puts your needs first. He tries to understand you before sharing his perspective. Is he more about getting or about giving in relationship in general? Is he inspired to give the best of himself by being with you?
His actions toward you are consistent with his promises. He follows through so that his actions are congruent with his words and his stated values.
Does he make an effort to show affection in the way that you ask for it? (You have asked, right?) In other words, if he mainly gives you gifts as his demonstration of love, but doesn’t offer praise even though you have told him that praise is what helps you feel appreciated and held in love, then he is not hearing you or adjusting the way he gives to you.
What occurs in your world so that your brain sends itself the message “I’m loved”? According to Gary Chapman, in his book Love Languages, we all have a preference in how we want to receive love. They are grouped into the categories of; Praise, Touch, Quality Time, Gifts and Acts of Service. Decide which is most important to you and tell your partner. In Compassionate Communication we encourage you to turn complaints into requests so the other person can better know how to help you find your ease.
Another good measure is if you can feel his heart. And, can you feel his love penetrating you? What energy emanates from his cock? How does he hold you in lovemaking and energetically in general? You see, you knew all along!
I have several “F” words relevant to intimate relationship. They are: Fight, Flight/Fantasy, Faint/Fold, Freak/Flail, Freeze, Fix, Fun, Feel and Fuck
Our teachers in school told us that humans essentially only have two main responses to stress (that being fight or flight). But, I have witnessed many other responses (that also begin with the letter F) I’ll list them below and then elaborate more on the last one.
To “Fight” would be meeting opposition with opposition. For example, yelling back / lashing out at someone when you are surprised or offended. (“I think you’re a bleeping jerk!”) Sometimes it can take the form of aggressively “building a case” verbally against another person. This is an unfortunate choice, but often a familiar default action. The Fight response can also be a mechanism to support FEAR of being vulnerable and open. Which is the opposite of being non-defensive.
A “Flight” is to run away, to abandon the field or to emotionally “bail”. The acronym “FEAR” could be “Fuck Everything And Run” or may refer to the opposite choice of “Face Everything And Recover” (which would closely relate to the choice of “Fuck” as you’ll read later in this article). Often, we are operating out of a “Fantasy” story / old belief we are running. We’ll run a story around in our mind about what a given event means. In this case, we’re not recognizing the difference between what happened and what it means.
To “Faint” (or “Fold”) is to simply isolate and withdraw from conflict. This may look like a collapse into self-pity or apologizing/ whining. We’ve all seen the person who blames others or external circumstances to validate why they can’t take action for themselves. This often leaves the other person feeling lost as to how to proceed when their partner is not present.
To “Freak” (or “Flail”) would be to act outrageously and let your emotions and words go out of control. We’ve all seen (or done) it. It’s not pretty. Need I say more?
To “Freeze” is to become emotionally paralyzed. As in, not knowing what to do next and so doing nothing. This can occur when we have too many choices to sort out easily and so become “stuck” in indecision. It can also occur when we’re re-traumatized by an event. If this is you, it is wise to have additional resources in place ahead of time.
I apply the term “Fix” for the response of immediately trying to make you and/or others feel better. This person views the situation or emotion as a problem quickly helped by reasoning or an immediate offering of some type. This person is often an “advice-giver”. It can be helpful to ask yourself which person is more uncomfortable (you or they). “Am I really trying to make myself feel better by attempting to console the other person?”
What I mean by “Fun” is to respond to interpersonal stress by joking, distraction or otherwise making light of something that is worthy of honest attention and dignity. This type of relationship avoidance can feel very dishonoring. Distraction of this type is an ego-protection strategy (and the solution is to “Feel”).
To “Feel” is the antidote to “Fun” or distraction, meaning to simply be present for the consequences / pain of what has occurred. This involves a commitment to vulnerability and truth. This is also what lowers the emotional wall between two people. When we can identify and communicate our beautiful needs the connection is strengthened and everyone wins. In the Spanish language, the term for “I’m sorry” is “lo siento”, which actually means “I feel”. How beautiful and connecting is that?
Lastly, to “Fuck” (for the purpose of this article) is to engage life on life’s terms, to dive in and “go for it”. This is an attitude of “let’s wrestle with our difficulty and engage what’s real and penetrate the center of what is happening”. “Let’s play in possibility and embrace what is” is another way of saying it.
When strong emotions arise there is a purity of need under the outward expression. In compassionate communication we try and identify the need of the other person in order to reach a place of empathy within ourselves. We are connected to other people by our needs and that engagement fosters understanding. Feeling our own needs and reaching for connection is an evolved way of living a hero’s journey.
The first eight responses are symptomatic of being “off” or not connected with my own center. Ideally, I would rather center myself (connect inwardly) first because I want to act in congruence with my core values, the essence of who I really am. I want to show up for my partner and myself integrated with my values. As I gain in skill (by practicing when I don’t want to) this connecting to self happens more automatically.
I want my partner bring me her pain so I can feel her. Her feeling “less than happy” is need-to-know information for me. I can then reach down into myself and feel her beautiful need and connect with her / dance with her struggle. We learn about our power and our own essence by doing this. One of my teachers, Baba Dez, wisely says “every moment is a date with power”.
So next time there is relationship tension observe your response and see if you can shift into a willingness to engage and embrace what is up. Be fearless and honest with yourself. Perhaps you’ll end up sexualizing or erotisizing the issue. As long as it is making love with the texture of what’s real in real-time rather than a palliative or distracting effort. Surprise your partner, dive into the depth and go for it!
A wonderful way to connect with your partner when you first meet after an absence is a simple, energetically-clean hug. This can tune your energies by simply placing your bodies together with no obligation to do more. When you’re in closer energetic harmony, then it is easier to move to greater intimacy or you may just allow the loving touch to be a renewing contact.
The technique is as follows:
Take your partner into an embrace.
Each of you stands with your weight on your own feet.
Be in stillness.
You should each primarily feel of yourself (this is very important).
Give yourself time to relax into your own body. Feel at home in your own space.
Look for your own depth of feeling.
Tune in to who you are / your purpose in this moment.
Breathe slowly, deeply and easily.
Allow yourself to just be.
You will find that both of your energies and feelings shift by simply putting your bodies together in a centered and still way.
More thoughts on togetherness
Too often it is easy to energetically “over-give” or to get into your partner’s energetic space without realizing it. Remaining grounded in your togetherness provides the other person an invitation for authentic action. I must first be connected with myself in order to really be present for my partner. It is my steady presence that she desires most.
Share the space between you rather than occupying it all yourself. Over-merging reduces sexual charge. You don’t want to surround yourself with a thick emotional wall at one extreme, but “giving your all” while holding nothing back for yourself is also un-appealing. Neither state is attractive to an awakened woman. I give her the best of me when I rest in the center of my heart and allow a higher love to shine through me.
In Sacred Sexuality we talk about “conscious touch”. This is to put heightened attention at your hands and being more aware of the impact / effect of your touch. Touching should not be a “take”, but an intent of giving will feel more like a sweet gift by the receiver.
Releasing attachments is a helpful practice to honor each persons sovereign space. You may also simply gaze in each other’s eyes and hold the intentions with these words as you declare out loud:
Do you know how sometimes you hear or read something and you just get the truth of it instantly?
I’ve compiled a list of short statements below that help to define an ideal relationship to me. Some of them are original thoughts and some of them I just grocked right away.
Every once in a while I’ve come across a statement that describes how I want my intimate relationship to look and feel. These don’t need much examination or research, I just get it on a bone-deep level. Anyway, here they are:
Relationship Guiding Principles
Companionship without cling
Friendship without manipulation
Friendship over form
Love without conditions
Affectionate touch without obligation
Humor without sarcasm
Listening without judgment
Answers without shadow
Service without expectation
Support not suppression
Solutions instead of complaints
Acceptance without guilt or manipulation
Generosity of heart over attachment
I also find it helpful to speak these words silently in meditation as a way of orienting to unconditional love and acceptance:
I honor you
I bless you
I release you
Tony Robbins teaches that true honesty is not telling someone else what you think of them, but being honest with yourself about your own motivations. I also find the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono prayer incredibly useful to keep the focus on my own shortcomings and staying in empathy and compassion vs. trying to over-examine other people.
I review this list every once in a while and honestly critique my own behavior and motivations. I ask myself: 1 – Do I love this principle? 2 – Do I offer this?
In this spirit, I recommend a song by Alanis Morissette, “You Owe Me Nothing In Return”. She sings to a generosity of spirit and great love and of being whole unto oneself. She is one of my relationship heroines.