Safety in Intimacy

close up of an iris flower

In my experience, the things that most allow a woman to trust and open to an intimate partner are love and safety. With these two elements in place, a woman may more fully open her heart, whether it be a one-time, long-term, committed belovedship or a marriage. With a trustable and loving partner she can open as a flower opens to the sun, revealing the radiant being within.

In whole-hearted giving and receiving a sacred container is created. But, for many women safety is an absolute prerequisite for opening her heart to love, especially with a personal history of abuse or emotional wounding.

Elements for Creating Safety

Know yourself: Be grounded and clear about your motivations.

Discover who they are: Be interested in knowing them; ask questions to discover what’s alive in they. Adopt an attitude of wonder for this human being in front of you.

Be present: Really slow down and just be with this person in real time. Talking too much about yourself or past events may only be serving your ego, creating disconnection from present-time emotion.

Share yourself: Be transparent. Share what’s alive in you (without going on and on, of course).

Be clear: Keep your partner informed regarding your desires. Trust your own ‘grrrr’ and bring it with love.

Genuine caring: Reach out soon after each date to share your enjoyment in a way that’s authentic.

Praise: Praise is food and the more specific you are with praise the better. For example, “I enjoy the way your eyes light up when you talk about…” is better than “You’re pretty.” They want to feel that you really pay attention to details in general and to them in particular.

Give appropriately: Find out what form of giving makes this person feel most appreciated and make that your primary love expression. Examples are; praise, quality time, acts of service, gifts, touch. (Kudos to Gary Chapman.)

Fulfill desires: Check in about their needs by offering a menu of options rather than open-ended choices. For example, “Would you like Chinese , Mexican or Thai food tonight?” rather than “Where do you want to go for dinner?” She wants direction from you, not through arrogant control, but through confident and respectful communication.

Support their goals: Dream together (without having to necessarily produce results).

Honor needs and boundaries: If you say “yes” at the expense of what you really need (in your world of projects and providing) then your boundaries are weak. If you don’t have a 100% yes, let them know what’s occurring in your inner landscape. A real “no”, when appropriate, enables trust for a real “yes” later.

This can take the form of loving negotiation. For example, “I’m happy you asked me and I’m focused on (something else) right now. Let’s make a time to give this topic the respect it deserves that will work better for both of us”.

Lead into new territory: Take her on adventures, always keeping her well-being in mind. A completely new direction in your life will need communication, forethought and care.

Make emotional well-being important: When she is stressed, offer to take some of her burden. Remain centered and offer empathy and deep listening as needed rather than lose yourself in her or your own emotions.

Allow sexual autonomy and power: Follow the wave of their desire and let it be a guiding force in your lovemaking. Stay attentive to body cues and energy. As energy ebbs, flows and builds, matching their pace and power will build magnetic resonance between you.

Published by Corey Lyon Folsom

I coach people who want better results in life and love.