How do you express love to a woman once she decides to share her time with you? Would you say that you set a low or a high bar for yourself in intimate relationship? How deeply intimate are you? Are you allowing your heart to expand as it holds ever more love?
A common statement that I hear from women in my coaching practice is, “If he knew how to approach me, I would open like a flower.” There is no one best way to approach a beloved, but you might incorporate the following: Smile when you look at her. Open your own heart and really feel appreciation for this lovely person in front of you.
Always keep in mind that she volunteered for the position of girlfriend, so don’t treat her like a draftee. I suggest asking yourself the following question every day, “Who is the most important person in the room?” The correct answer will always be: She is!
The relationship is more likely to flourish if you’re thinking, “What am I bringing?” vs. “What am I getting?” Find out what form of giving makes her feel most appreciated or loved and make that your primary ‘love language’ in action. This may be verbal praise, spending time together, acts of service, gift-giving or touch. You’re a man, so figure this out and then deliver.
Ideally, she feels love from you all the time, so don’t be focused too closely on immediate goals (like sex or getting to the restaurant). Life isn’t perfect, but orient your attention to what is right and good in present time. Slow your pace down enough to feel honored to be with her. Let a sense of appreciation color the tone of voice with which you speak to her. Dance with her energy. Laugh with her. Touch her. Your thoughts of work and other mundane tasks can wait. Allow her to show you present time light and wonder.
Praise is food for a woman (the more specific the better). For instance, “I enjoy the way your eyes light up when you talk about X” has a bigger positive impact than “You’re pretty”. She wants to feel that you pay attention to details in general and to her in particular. Also, know that she puts thought into what to wear when she joins up with you, so find some aspect of that to compliment soon after meeting her.
When she is stressed, offer to take some of her burden. You might physically help her with domestic tasks or draw her a bath. This isn’t ‘wimping-down’ your behavior. It’s being a genuine and confident man who is considerate, helpful and patient with his chosen woman. You’re showing her your lack of fear around closeness and caring.
When she’s off her center, or doubting your feelings for her, take her in an embrace so she can immediately feel your love (if that’s what you sense would help her most in the moment). Perhaps she would be better served by humor or by simply sitting with her and holding her hand or something entirely different. You get to figure this out, too.
Offer your body as protection. Make her warm when she’s cold. Give her a steady arm when she’s unbalanced. Hold doors open for her.
When unsure of your next action, default to offering her your grounded presence. Her emotions are valid, but don’t allow her to spin you into a vortex of feelings. Learn to handle her angry and fiery side without taking any of it personally or withdrawing. Be a man who can hear criticism and not collapse into poor patterns, such as defensiveness. Stand up to her mood-storm with kindness and loving resolve. I call these changes ‘emotional weather’. Hold on to the perspective that ‘this too shall pass’.
Why not kiss her often? The neck and shoulders are great places to kiss or be kissed. During more intimate time, be attentive to her body cues and energy level. Allow her time to feel and build her passion. This is not a taming of your animal instinct, but a sensitivity to her as you celebrate your common desire.
Make decisions. Tell her what you want and ask her how your desire “lands”. For example, “I am really interested in Thai food this evening. Would you be okay with that?” This will sound better to her than, “Where do you want to go?” By listening to what she says you are not giving up your masculine direction. Just take her needs into account.
Generally, when looking for ways to contribute, apply the ‘See-Do’ principle. (This means that If you can see it, do it.) Respect the way she wants things done in her home. For instance, if you usually only wash one side of your dinner plates and she wants the bottoms washed also, wash the bottoms without complaint.
Lastly, give ‘good phone’. Be especially conscious of your voice tone. If your woman is like most, she will thrive with repeated confirmation that the love connection is alive and well. Better to say, “I only have five minutes to talk and I’m yours for that long,” and be totally attentive to her for 5 minutes than to try and listen to her for longer while handling another task in your mind and then abruptly saying, “I just gotta go, bye”.
Whether you are with a woman for two weeks or 40 years, she probably deserves you ‘upping your game’. Relationship is a contact sport. Tag, you’re it!